Dyslexia: From Self-Deprecation to Self-Appreciation

At the start of my career there was a single defining moment that pretty much over shadowed everything.  I was invited to attend a two-day assessment centre for a graduate management traineeship.  I was apprehensive but hopeful.  The first tasks were aptitude tests.  I can remember the numbers and letters swimming in front of my eyes.  I just couldn’t think how to answer the questions.  I could barely understand them.  I went through the rest of the assessment centre feeling very despondent. 

At these events, they give you feedback at the end of the second day.  I remember sitting in front of these two HR Managers (how ironic, since I wanted to be an HR specialist).  They looked very uncomfortable.  I assumed they were going to tell me that I wasn’t going any further.  They had my aptitude tests in front of them.  One of those HR managers said my scores were the worst they had ever seen and if they had their way I would not proceed to the next round of interviews because they essentially predicted potential to succeed.  However, I had scored above average in the other eight tests and the operational managers who had been observing me throughout the two-day assessment were overruling them and wanted to interview me.  I will never forget what one of those managers said next “how can you be so very bad and completely outstanding all at the same time?  It doesn’t make sense”.  They were suspicious and intrigued all at the same time.

I got the job and then spent the next two years in a frenzy trying to prove myself.  I worked 80 hour weeks.  I hardly slept or ate.  All I did was work and produce very mediocre results.  I was haunted by my experience.  I thought I was a lazy, slacker who wasn’t really clever enough to hold down the job or get herself together.  I was so frightened of being caught out as a fraud.  I became very ill.  Every job I’ve held I’ve had to put in far more hours just to keep on top of the work.  Hours and hours spent reading and rereading reports.  Days spent checking and rechecking or getting other people to recheck my work.  Agonizing over emails.  The frustration at not being able to understand the simplest process.  The embarrassment of constantly forgetting people’s names.  The self-deprecating jokes I would make at my own expense, ha, ha yes what an idiot I am.  I’ve lost my phone/keys/purse/car keys again.  I was dying inside.  I could never go for more responsible jobs or promotion.  The anxiety was the worst.  The depression worse still.

And then I find out that I am dyslexic and slowly things started making sense.  Working with my Strategy Coach Janette has been a revelation.  I’ve been working on more effective ways to organise my work and prioritise.  The best session for me was when she helped me structure my ideas into a presentation.  That was my aha moment.  Pictures and symbols and colour that was the key for me.  Something that would have taken weeks took less than two hours.  I went home smiling.  Finding a way to work, that worked for me was wonderful.

I’m beginning to embrace some of my strengths.  I am a problem solver.  If you need a quick and ingenious solution to an immediate problem, I’ll usually come up with something.  I’m good at building rapport with people.  I am trustworthy and conscientious, especially with people’s feelings.  I only need a few bits of the jigsaw to be able to make sense of the picture.  I like my job and don’t wake up in dread.  For the first time in a long time I’m hopeful.

I've got my dyslexia strategy coach to thank for that.

For more information on workplace dyslexia support please contact us.